A J Crowley and the Chamber of Secrets
by MiraculousMarauder
Summary: Harry Potter needs to rescue Ginny from the chamber of secrets. What he finds down there is not what he is expecting. Turns out that snake demons speak Parseltongue. Really silly plotless ficlet


Something stupid I thought of. What if the scary snake monster under the school was actually your friendly neighbourhood demon with a penchant for plants? Careful where you step, you might fall into some plot holes. I hope you enjoy this anyway

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The tunnel turned and turned again. Every nerve in Harry's body was tingling unpleasantly. He wanted the tunnel to end, yet dreaded what he'd find when it did. And then, at last, as he crept around yet another bend, he saw a solid wall ahead on which two entwined serpents were carved, their eyes set with great, glinting emeralds.

Harry approached, his throat very dry. There was no need to pretend these stone snakes were real, their eyes looked strangely alive.

He could guess what he had to do. He cleared his throat, and the emerald eyes seemed to flicker.

"_Open,"_ said Harry, in a low, faint hiss.

The serpents parted as the wall cracked open, the halves slid smoothly out of sight, and Harry, shaking from head to foot, walked inside.

He was standing at the end of a very long, dimly lit chamber. Towering stone pillars entwined with more carved serpents rose to support a ceiling lost in darkness, casting long black shadows through the odd greenish gloom that filled the place. And as Harry's eyes adjusted to the low light he realised that it wasn't just green-_ish_. Everywhere he looked there were creeping vines and sprawling plants, enormous waxy leaves reflecting a soft glow and the heavy humidity which he associated with the greenhouses. As impossible as it seemed, what he had found miles under the school where nothing living should reasonably be found, was a veritable _jungle_ of thriving foliage.

It took him a moment in his shock to realise that distantly he could hear a familiar muffled hissing. Moving forward, wary of any magical properties the plants may contain – he was still haunted by dreams of the devil's snare – the sounds became clearer and he could hear what the voice was saying.

"Listen here you lot. I've had quite enough of this and you really should DO BETTER. Look at your friend here. Slow, sickly, and I really think they don't make the cut. Time to say goodbye!"

And with that Harry could hear the echoing crash of _something_ hitting the stone wall and he could swear he felt a frightened shiver in the plants around him.

"So if you don't want the same thing to happen to you, I'd buck up your ideas. Angel will be here soon and I will NOT have you embarrassing me. DO YOU UNDERSTAND!?"

Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. He had thought he was here to save Ginny but it seemed there were more people in need of rescuing. Suddenly faced with the reality of the situation, all of his doubts came flooding in. How could he, a twelve year old boy, do anything against an enormous snake, and whoever it was down here that was controlling it.

But there was nothing else for it, he had come this far and he would save his best friend's sister. Forging onward he came to a clearing which was filled with an unnatural, almost ethereal light and in the middle of the towering plants was a man with fiery red hair dressed all in black. Ginny, or anyone else for that matter, was nowhere to be seen.

"_Kill... kill..." _The words that had been driving him crazy all year as he chased the disembodied voice, now came issuing from the mouth of the man before him.

"I will kill any one of you that doesn't come up to snuff so keep that in mind."

Harry tried to creep closer unnoticed but just as he reached the very edge of the clearing his foot caught on a slightly protruding root and he stumbled, pitching forward in an undignified sprawl practically at the man's feet. The man just looked down at him, mouth agape.

"I..." Harry's voice came out in a frightened squeak and he cleared his throat, scrambling to his feet and reaching for his wand. Absently, he noticed the remains of a terracotta pot and soil and leaves in the corner. "I'm here to find my friend," he said,mustering all the courage he could.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" the man asked, raising a disdainful eyebrow at the dirty and bedraggled boy that stood before him, looking the farthest from a threat as it was possible to be while brandishing a thin twig.

"I'm Harry. Harry Potter. And I'm going to rescue my friend Ginny so... where is she?" he asked, trying to sound as intimidating as possible and managing a passable impression of one of the surrounding pot plants.

"She's not here right now but I'm expecting her any moment." He gave one last threatening glare to a particularly terrified looking fern and pulled up a seat. "Sorry, since you just barged in unannounced, I haven't introduced myself. Where are my manners? I'm the demon, Crowley," he said with a slight flourish of his hands.

"Demon?" Since he'd started at Hogwarts, he'd discovered a lot of magical beings that he used to think were myth, but he'd never heard that _demons_ were real. Come to think of it, hadn't he said something about an angel earlier? Harry's head hurt. He cast a wary glance around. He couldn't see any immediate threat and the snake had yet to make an appearance so he lowered his wand, still keeping it firmly in his grip.

At a loss for how to handle the situation, he looked around at the impressive cavern filled with greenery which seemed to rival anything Professor Sprout could have pulled off. He looked to Crowley, hoping he might offer a clue as to what Harry should do, now that he was here, but the demon was examining his nails, a bored expression on his face. Harry decided it was time to get some answers.

"I know you've been keeping a snake down here. I heard you, you speak Parseltongue. So where is it?"

Crowley lounged further into his chair. "Bit of a personal question, don't you think?"

His response just baffled Harry further and he got the impression that Crowley was making fun of him. Sighing dramatically, Crowley spread his hands in a half-hearted shrug and promptly disappeared. In his place was a large red and black snake, the languid body coiled around the chair in what could only be described as lounging. As oblivious as Harry undoubtedly was at times, even he knew straight away that _this_ was Crowley.

He tightened his grip on his wand.

"_You're the snake,_" Harry hissed.

As quickly as Crowley had changed, he changed back again.

"_Sso it would appear,_" he hissed back, grinning with pointed teeth.

"I'm so confused," Harry said, rubbing his temples to try and ease his steadily pounding head. "Are you the heir of Slytherin?"

Crowley's expression was deadpan.

"I am many thousands of years old. I was there when the first humans walked the Earth. What do you think?"

"Right, right..."

The awkward silence was mercifully brief before a familiar head of red hair came out from a dense thicket and Harry's heart leapt into his throat.

"Ginny!" Harry cried, rushing towards the girl. He grabbed her shoulders and took a moment to assess for any injuries. She looked fine if a little confused.

"Harry? What... what are you doing here?"

"I came to... save... you?"

Ginny laughed awkwardly stepping out of his reach.

"S-save me? I'm fine! What are you talking about? I've just been helping out Mr Crowley, that's all." She walked over to where Crowley stood. "Here you are Mr Crowley. I told you I could find something to fix that leaf rot."

"A good talking to, that's all they need." Despite his words he took the vial gratefully. "Thank you, Ginny, you're a good kid."

Ginny beamed.

"Oh, this is my brother's friend, Harry Potter," she said, barely casting Harry a glance, her cheeks pink.

"Yes, we've been having a lovely... chat. So, Harry Potter, you've discovered my Chamber of Secrets," Crowley said. "Well? What do you think? It's taken me years to get my plants looking like this."

Harry looked around at all the plants and felt the shiver in the air again.

"I just... I don't understand. So you've just been down here... _gardening?_" Harry demanded disbelieving. "Not trying to kill people or leaving messages in blood around the school? You're not evil?"

Crowley looked offended.

"First off, it's not just _gardening_. And I'll have you know, I'm plenty evil. I do lots of evil things all the time. Every heard of the M25? Hmm?" He gave a smug grin. "That was all me."

Harry couldn't quite believe the conversation he was having.

"The motorway? I mean, it's inconvenient and a bit annoying, not sure I'd call it evil..."

"All part of the plan, boy. I like to play the long game. Last week, I blocked all mobile phone signals. For two days!"

Harry just frowned at him.

"Still not impressed? Well, I don't mean to brag but in nineteen eighty five I made it rain in Scotland non-stop for three whole weeks! What d'ya think of that?" Crowley said, folding his arms triumphantly, definitely pleased with himself.

"I really doubt they noticed much difference, to be honest. Are you _sure_ you're a demon?"

Crowley scowled.

"You know what? I don't have to answer to the likes of you. Just take your little girlfriend and get out already. I have plans so..." and he made a dismissive sweeping gesture with his hands already turning his back, water sprayer in hand.

"She's not my... I don't even..."

"I don't care. Leave now. Oh, and Ginny? You can do better."

And with that, a very baffled Harry took a heavily blushing Ginny and fled the dank underground tunnels, found Ron and Professor Lockhart and exited through the girls bathroom, once again a hero and once again not quite sure what had happened or how he managed to pull it off.


End file.
